Outside and Inside…

January 17th, 2021. An unusually warm day. Weather Forecast: 85 F with Wind Gust NNE 19 mph.That’s outside condition.

The inside is uneasy and lost. Is it just one of those days? Or perhaps normal for a woman who is almost fifty, to have these physical and emotional mood swings. Yes, the moods of the body, the heart, and the mind. Each insisting to go in a different direction. Or it is supposed to feel like this when it has been a year living in a pandemic. Or is it perfectly okay inside condition when it’s almost a year since you lost your father ?

I don’t know.

Morning, warm and sunny: Tea…Walking…Yoga .. Berries Smoothies…Boiled Eggs… The Clock says 12:20. We do Thai Takeout. We rarely used to do Takeout meal before 2020.It’s not common for us to do Lunch Takeout .We usually drive to the place and eat there. Sometimes take a long route observing life around us.But these are the times of Takeout. We all are doing things which we don’t do usually.The lunch isn’t satisfactory. Is it the food or the inside conditions are doing their part?
Time is doing what it always does best. Moving ahead. I pick up the key to drive to “The Oaks”, the shopping mall.

Oh no! I am not going shopping.

I drive , Jagjit_Singh is on the playlist.Speed limit 45 mph to 55 mph .I drive on the right side with 45 mph.It’s Sunday afternoon .The roads look happy and empty.The trees are not or maybe .I don’t think they like high winds. I enter the parking lot right across “Macy’s”.I park facing the hills .The seat is relaxed ,and the body is relaxed too.

And the mind ? Maybe a little.

The clock says 3:05 .I watch people .Some with masks and some with no masks. I hear the caw caw and some chirping of the life breathing on the trees around me.I pick up the phone go to the photo gallery: Album “Papa “.I scroll through the moments of the past. Mom, dad and me. Tears came down with a little scream. They are gone ,and bhiya (older brother) too.. I am the only person alive in our family of four.I put the phone away .I am quiet. The inside isn’t that uneasy now but extremely sad.The sun is getting ready to set.Time never listens to me whenever I ask him to slow down or stop .The clock says 4:30.

The phone beeps.The green text message icon with red number on top.

RK : Still in Mall?

DK: Yes, in the parking lot.

RK:Okay ,how long?

DK:Few more minutes .

RK :Okay .Come soon.

I drive back Jagjit Singh is on the playlist.The roads have more cars than two hours ago .The trees look peaceful now ,and the wind has slowed down.Where are these people driving to ? I don”t know .Maybe home ? Maybe to a parking lot ? Maybe to a space where they can observe the inside better and then go home?.

The outside still warm and a little windy.

The inside is a little okay.